“You are not lost you are here.” “Let good things come to you. “
I read this first sentence on my way to work today. The second sentence was written on the label of my tea bag tonight. Sometimes words of encouragement can be found in the most unexpected of places, often at the best time, when we need them the most. So I wonder, do we unconsciously look for them, or does the universe in some way throw them onto our path? I don’t know. But I’ll take my chances and throw some your way just in case.
I’ve been a bit lost these past few weeks. I’ve been slowly moving to Ghent. I came back from travelling and dove straight into work. My stuff, my head, my feelings are all over the place. I’m often left feeling clueless. And I’m here to tell you it’s okay. It’s okay to not know what will happen. It’s okay to feel angry, sad and thrilled at the same time. It’s okay to have no idea what you’re doing. And it’s okay not to be okay sometimes.
“You are not lost, you are here.” Or, we are not lost, we are here. Because there is no one on this earth that hasn’t felt lost. Well, if we get lost together, I don’t mind. Let’s go.
So I think I’ve found myself. Somewhere along the way, I managed to pick up bits and pieces of myself. Collect myself. Until I became a whole person. A full human being. I know what I stand for. I know my likes, my dislikes. And more often, I’m not afraid to expose those. I’m no longer worried about whether people will like or dislike me. I no longer feel the obligation to explain myself to anybody. Je m’en fous. Most of the time.
Is it possible to have ‘found yourself’ and yet not know where to place that self? To be a perfectly formed puzzle piece and still be looking for a place to fit in?
Most of the time I don’t know what I want. I tag along. Make impulsive decisions, while others I weigh. I weigh options. I think and rethink. Calculate, only to realise that there is no mathematical equation to life. Only to find that thinking just makes my brain tired, my body running behind it trying to catch up, without getting one step further. Seriously, though,
I don’t know.
I know exactly what I don’t want. And isn’t that just as important though? Setting boundaries. Saying no. Limiting yourself to prevent that one-ness that I’ve assembled over this short period of time from bleeding into space, returning to fragments. Figuring it all out on the basis of elimination.
I refuse to call this a quarter life crisis. Because, really, it is not a crisis. It is a full plate of food, preferably desserts, not knowing which to pick first. It’s thrilling, exciting, blood-tingling, fabulous. It’s freedom. It’s a luxury, a blessing to have that many possibilities for what’s next. So I’ve found myself. Now what? Now this. And that. And everything in between.